Hello beautiful beings,
just popping in for a quick update of the evolution of my human, since it’s been some time since I posted my last Blogpost.
And the reason for that is that I’m actually getting shit done. After pushing everything that needed to be done away for so long especially the things that get me excited and bring me joy, (which is the most absurd thing in to do) I finally decided to give in and now I’m working on my music again.
I have a hundred thousand things on my to do list(s), that I’m still working on. At least that’s what it feels like. But for some reason my logical mind does not yet understand the only thing that I always keep moving around to a later point in time or to the next day is my music.
Do you wanna know what the weirdest thing is? My music is the only thing that keeps me sane, like I can be in the shittiest mood, but when I start singing, everything dissolves..
I realized that a lot of times in my life and every single time I tell myself I keep on singing and making music like all my spiritual practices I do in a day, which I seem to manage perfectly fine, because I can do all the things on time, but sticking to my music production plan, I just keep on doing it tomorrow, which is never.
When I started to produce my music and actually recorded the first vocals and the Piano Chords for my first Single my body started shaking so hard and I started crying so hard, it was the most liberating feeling in the world, but at the same time the most scary thing in the world too!
Do you wanna know why???
Because there is that fear so deep inside of me that “what if I finally allow myself to do the thing that I actually love the most and it’s actually taking me somewhere !!!!!!???????” is there such a thing as being afraid of success??
I wonder if I installed something like that within me..
But what I know for sure is that this program, whatever it is, it has to go, because its fucking exhausting!
So today I put my Music on the top spot of my to do List and I actually worked on a song for hours now. It’s been an interesting process with more ups than downs, but I’m doing it. And it acutally feels good.
Isn’t it so weird, that when you actually do the thing you keep on pushing away for so long, things finally start moving again. Like in terms of energy, ideas, and all juices of course, because creating is a sexy process, It’s a turn on. I admit it, you guys.
I wonder why I keep myself stuck sometimes in these miserable states even if I know exactly what to do to make me feel better.
Sometimes I still want my mother to take my hand and be like “come on, just start and it’s gonna be fine”, but I’m grown up now.
That means I have to start off myself. It must be possible to motivate myself every day, right?
I realized that more and more throughout the last few weeks how desperately I’m looking for something or someone to hold on to. I don’t know why I think it’s because a lot has been taken away from me at very young age and from that point on nothing felt stable anymore and I felt like a little sailing boat in the middle of the ocean with a big storm coming my way and it took years for me to get out of this storm.
Still coping with the symptoms of it. I don’t have actual panic attacks, I can manage my breath and be still, but still trauma leaves some marks in the system and sometimes they show up.
I learned pretty early to parent myself and I also parented my mother and my sister and father when I saw him, which is definetly more than enough parenting for a 9 year old girl.
And I did take advantage of the fact that I was so present at this point in my life holding the freaking structure of our house that seemed to fall apart anyways.
Sending love to my 9 year old self. I have no Idea how she did what she did, I just remember that she was so ready for what was to come, I was so ready for what was to come, so I just did what needed to be done. And I knew so deep down that I could do it. Like I knew when I walked home from school in third grade that this life experience is a very different life experience from the life experience I had before I just knew and than my third grade self was like “wow, this time I’m really starting from the bottom of things”.
Looking back at this moment I can look at it with a sense of humor, which I always had and still do. You have to keep the humor, otherwise you go mad, not mad as being aware of endless multidimensional selfs and timelines shifting and unfolding at the same time. 😀 no, Like real mad.
Goodness how crazy life can be.
This phase in my life feels so uncomfortable that my human feels stretched in ways I cannot even describe, but still I show up and even if I cry a lot I let all the feelings flow and everything move through me, which is good. And I get out of the bed in the morning to connect to my higher self and guides and do the things that need to be done which is even better. But comfort is something else. 😀
But I guess I had enough comfort in my life. This comfort zone is really not a healthy place to be for too long.
So far so good.
I actually check my E-Mails and my calendar every day! Something that my past self from 3 years ago never would’ve done, because this version of me was about to check out of society.
I realized that this is not the path.
Real change is made being in the middle of things, in the middle of life.
I often dreamed about moving outside of the city, I mean I don’t live directly in the city but I mean way of like somewhere where there is mostly just land, but then I though to myself It can’t be the way to like run away from society and hide at some place, even if I’m sure I would have had some lovely years, but still I’m here to evolve in this human life, this human experience, so I’m in the middle of things.
I’m living the life.
Meeting the people.
Doing the things.
Feeling the feels.
I show up.
I need to celebrate that more.
Because 3 years ago I lived very isolated, total hermit mode.
But that is also not a state one should be in for too long.
And now..I’m in the middle of life and it’s challenging me in all possible ways on all levels, but I still seem to manage, not just my nervoussystem, even if it’s still pretty tense sometimes. It gets better and better.
I’m moving forward.
I’m in motion.
Like it’s supposed to be.
And my projects are in motion.
I’m progressing on all levels.
And even if my human is not always on board with the speed of the progression in both ways that’s just how it is.
I guess with that said I’m actually allowing myself to get somewhere, by just being and creating. Doing the things, I was meant to do form the beginning. Like singing, and dancing and laughing and loving.
It is truly crazy how many human years it actually takes to work through things. Not judging my process or anyone elses, but dude, that has been going on for a lot of years now.
What does it mean to live?
I’m sure it does mean something different for each and every single person depending on all kinds of criteria and ways we grew up.
I’m still learning what it means to truly live. I feel like there is still a lot to learn and unlearn, but I’m on a good path, it’s a stable path with constant growth and evolution like it’s supposed to be.
Took me some time and the best Friends/Soulfamily and Teacher/Mentors in the world to get here, but it was worth every step and it still is worth going through all of these transformations and shifts.
And beneath all that chaos that sometimes seems to take over I feel blessed to be here with each and every single one of.
Keep on moving forward.
keep on shining.
we need you.
the worlds needs you.
the word needs me.
we’re here for a reason.
Feeling lucky and blessed to be alive.
with endless love,
Janine
No responses yet