The Fear of making Mistakes

Reflections on the Fear of making mistakes and imprints from the past

There was little tolerance for mistakes in the family structure that I grew up in. The root of that originated in my Fathers family lineage. Especially within the men in the Family.

Sometimes it felt like they were just waiting for the other one to make a mistake so that they could pick upon each other. Which, when I reflect on that is a very toxic field of potential mines that could explode at any given point in time. Even if one did something “right” my grandpa would always find something to critique on something, even if it didn’t have to do with the task itself. So it’s simply impossible to to something right in my Grandpas eyes and presence. My father does the same, he treatead my sister, mother and me in that way, too.

This is also the reason why I still feel the need to prove myself in some situations, and why I still feel this need to be seen and recognized in some situations and it also left me with almost no tolerance for making mistakes myself. Like I put myself under so much pressure still sometimes that I end up needing to calm my whole system down.

There is this fear that creeps up in my being when there is a task that needs to be completed, mostly when I work for or with people, I still feel it to this day. I feel it in my throat, and on my high heart. I feel my Heart pounding in a faster rhythm, my body starting to shake, the breath shortens, words start to dance on the screen it’s a full-blown trauma response.

I’m crying while writing this just realizing where this feeling is coming from.

I know that I give my best when I do things, when I work with or for people I really put my Heart into this process. And I worked and work with beautiful people, who are very gentle with me today, but that was not always the case.

Last year I worked for a company for a few month. For some reason my guides urged me to reach out to them, so I did, it was not the Job of my dreams, but I felt I needed something stable at this point in time and a stable income.

When I arrived the energetics of everything revealed themselves to me in a very obvious way. I knew what my job was on all levels, because the energetic structure of this place was total chaos and the people working there were barely making it through the day. There was a total imbalance with one person carrying the whole structure, but the key point of this is that this person had a very chaotic imprint in the field that caused this person to attract more and more stress and chaos, which brought more and more stress and chaos into the field of the company.

I saw things pretty clearly from the beginning. And I love myself a challenge, sometimes I regret it afterwards, but in that moment I felt excitement and I was asking myself very naiv, how long it might take me to restructure and stabilize the foundation of this. How long might it take me to reprogramme the whole field?

The Head of this company is to this day a very brilliant and intelligent man. What he anchored into this world is massive. I looked at his creation with awe. I was like wow. I’m truly in awe with people that are able to pull down the energetic structures of what they are meant to build in this world, even in his case they were producing and selling cables. The whole structure and the fabrique of everything were woven together with such precision that I couldn’t help but be impressed.

He is the Head of the company and therefore structuring the field, or the field is being structured by his vision. He had very specific visions of how every task needed to be executed and if it would not be executed in that way one was getting a side note. Which is not a bad thing in general to run a successful business one needs to be precise, I can only guess, I have no idea because just in the building phase of building up my business but I guess things need to be done correctly, otherwise things get entangled and energy gets blocked.

Still, this was a little bit over the top extreme, to a point where it felt like the minefield I was slowly navigating through in the first 9 years of my childhood, hoping that my father wouldn’t explode on me or anyone else. I didn’t realize that in that particular moment I’m just realizing it with writing this.

The good thing was that he was not picking me a lot, I guess I had sympathy points, cause I can be charming, haha. 😀 But yeah, I realized where the whole tension came from and how this whole mess was created in the first place.

The last 4 years left some chaos. Especially within some Fields, companies and systems.

And if people are not ready or open to adapt to new structures, systems and changes, things like that happen.

The people working there were nice and decent in general. But working in an environment like that of course leaves a mark in the field of the person too.

I learned a lot within the time I was working in that place. I learned structure and being precise, that was the starting point of me reintegrating back into society after the last 2 years in hermit mode.

I triggered a lot in people, simply by being there and not reacting in the same way, because I have a different programming, from my hermit mode time and reprogramming my being in general within the last 8 years. So, I went in there fresh and strong with ambition and all the love in my Heart. Ready to love the shit out of people.

And I did all the things, like sorting out paperwork, bringing tea to my boss, learning this super complex selling and storing system in a very short period of time and all the other things that were required for this Job. I learned a lot and I’m very grateful for that today, but I knew it wasn’t home.

It took 2 ½ month to restructure and reprogramme everything. It lead to a point where everything was so calm that no phone was ringing anymore. People had actually time and space to do the work they couldn’t do because of all of the chaos that was created before.

The space felt calm, people were more relaxed and we even laughed a lot.

I even thought that we could go deeper. So I started to point out the structures and patterns that were imprinted from the chefs department and how they caused the disturbance in the first place, because this is what caused stress in all the employees there and this is also what caused the atmosphere to be this toxic mine field in the first place.

But it didn’t got that far, because a lot of things happened after that signalizing that some things, are just the way they are…

I got sick two times within this short period of time, I have years when I have absolutely no colds or anything, so this felt strange. I felt my body reacting to going there and with time it got worse and worse. One time I ended up crying in the bathroom for half an hour because this one college got so angry that I send a package which was to be sent out as soon as possible, but I scheduled it for the day after. He went on a full rampage about something that for me seemed to be so small. I’m just now realizing the parallels within the structures I grew up in.

It felt like he just waited for me to make a mistake and it could’ve been anything, really. I just felt that he just wanted me gone.

After crying in the bathroom for half an hour I went home, I felt broken and exhausted, within a few days I also got a fever and a cold..so my whole body was reacting to what happened, there was much more that happened. At some point it just didn’t feel safe anymore to go there so I got sick and had stay home for three weeks.

I guess my Chef and his wife noticed what was going on so they called me in within the last week and fired me. I cried, but I was also happy about that. I felt so relieved and I finally got to give them back the keys they gave me.

Which for me signaled that the job was done on all levels.

It’s so weird the things we go through.

On one hand I learned so much with going through this experience and on the other hand everything that happened shocked me so deeply that I felt my heart hurting and crying.

Is there a place where I belong.

Is there ever going to be a place where I don’t trigger the shit out of people?

Or is it possible that I reach a point where I just don’t give a fuck about these people anymore?

Cause I tend to like just leave when I feel something like that is in the field, when I feel a person like being triggered in a way or seeing me as a thread I just leave, or I’m being removed from the scenery in other ways like with getting fired.

I challenge myself nowadays. I start standing my ground.

I feel like I own my place in this world now, but the old habits sometimes kick in and I’m just like, okay I’m just going to leave. But is that the way?

I heard something about an old imprint in a Tarot reading yesterday. Something that was imprinted in my childhood and when I reflect on it I see all the people that were always close in my field like even family members that were triggered and reacted in the same way as some people in the work places or other places that I’ve been to.

Even in the spiritual community it happened. I was shocked… to be honest.

I wonder to this day, if I can reprogramme this imprint, or if I just shouldn’t give a fuck about these people being triggered or seeing me as a Threat in a way.

I know there is always a reason why I come to these places.

And I also know that everything that needs to be done, is done by the time I leave.

At least after that experience I had another experience where I did the job on all levels and left on my own, with listening to my intuition leaving in which felt like perfect timing to me.

Anyways…I liked the people and it hurt, but I feel it was necessary.

I know that a lot of things shift in places simply with me being there.

I wonder if I will always like move from place to place doing the calibrations and the restructuring and leave in the end.

If that’s part of my Job here on earth, will I ever feel at home in a place or community?

Like besides feeling home within myself.

Excited to find that out, but also a little bit scared about the outcome.

Let me know if you have similar experiences in the comments. I would love to know.

If so, always keep on going.

Do not dim your light for anyone ever again.

Even if it’s for the Family.  

We got this.

Have to remind myself every day!

I love you,

Janine