a place called home

For the past 6 Years I consciously dove deeper and deeper into my being. I call it my inner universe, other people call it the subconscious mind. I discovered that there are so many me’s, so many universes, so many galaxies, so many hidden parts of my inner maps, that still want to be discovered and explored.

How exciting is that? I thought, while diving into the deepest parts of my inner Oceans until..

I got a pretty harsh wake up call from the universe, my higher self or god whatever you want to call it and that shook me to my core but it was necessary. Because I started to build my life around a Persona I knew deep down I would outgrow her someday. So before I could put myself into a box, my inner being, or the universe, or god gave me a sign I couldn’t ignore. I had to redirect the path. I had to go and feel deeply inside of myself and ask ‚what is it that I truly want?‘

Within the last month I spent most of my time traveling through my inner universes, exploring, jumping from one dimension to another, exploring different timelines. Listening to the whispers of the Angels and the Demons, meeting higher beings and all sorts of other lifeforms. I spent so much time there that at some point I felt my inner being wanting to disconnect from my body. I wasn’t anchored into the earth anymore even when I spent time in nature every day. I flew so high into the abyss of the clouds, that I cried every day. I was missing something so deeply. I was missing my home. 

But what does Home mean and where is it? 

The more I travelled the louder the calling got, the more that being in me or that part of me that is connected to my body in that holy trinity felt the need to leave this body. I could feel myself slipping away more and more every day. But at that time I wasn’t conscious about it at all. I was drowning in my own inner ocean, but I didn’t even know.

I ate less and less, ignoring all the warning signs of my body, until my heart hurt so much, that I got scared. 

So this inner longing this feeling of missing something more, something outside of ourselves, or our home in the heavens, our home planet in whatever galaxy or dimension we come from got so big, that I almost forgot that I’m here for a reason. 

I’m here to live. 

I choose to come here and experience this body. 

I’m here to eat, to feel, to experience and explore everything involving the human experience. I’m here to grow, to create, to expand, to explore as much as I can involving this human experience. Of course I can travel sometimes, go inside and ask for inner guidance. I can sit in meditation for 6 hours a day, but in the end I’m here in this body. In the end I’m here to live. 

‚You can fly as high as you want, but someday you have to face this world and do what you came here to do‘ 

that’s what I heard in one of my journeys at this time. And then I got it. Took me some time, but I got it. 

Do you want to know what I also discovered?

I realized that I betrayed my body in this whole process. Because I didn’t listen to what it wanted, what it needed. I was so selfish. I wanted to know more, see more, explore more. 

On that same day I wrote and apology letter to my body. This is a small part of it.

‚Dear Body, first of all I want to apologize for everything I did and didn’t do. For not listening to you. For not giving you what you needed so many times.

Can you forgive me body ? You take all the time that you need, but today I promise you that I will listen to your needs and I treat you the way you deserve to be treated.

Because together my soul, my mind and body we made a pact, to merge together, to come here and work together, so that the part of me which is still part of the whole can experience this world, and being human with all its facettes, all its colours and notes. 

From this day on I’m honoring you in honoring our bond, until the last day we spend together in this realm‘

And so it is. 

Aho. 

-jn 

20.07.23