cake for breakfast

I just noticed that sometimes we’re so busy with our lives and the things happening in the world that we don’t even realize how simple things like movies or documentaries can effect us on a deeper level. 

Everything started with me watching a couple of netflix documentaries about the abuse of the fishing industry, coral reefs dying, the impact that processed food can have on the body. 

I’m not criticizing the documentaries, or the choices the filmmakers made. in fact I think that they portrayed the harsh truth in a very eye opening way. I’m just saying that in a certain state of mind some things can have certain effects we may not notice immediately. 

Let’s be honest, if you watched some of those documentaries, did you feel good about yourself afterwards? Did you still feel worthy to exist? Or did you take the same exit as me? 

Cause I went all the way. First of all I threw everything in my fridge away that had something to do with the topics that were shared in these documentaries. After that I went vegan. But that only lastet a month, because let’s be honest. I didn’t do it for the right reasons, you should not go vegan because you feel guilty for being alive, or like a victim of consumerism, there have to be some deeper reasons to be explored. And as it turns out there is much more to consider in your diet when you go vegan like supplements and everything. you really have to dig deep into stuff, what does your body need in terms of vitamins and everything, which is good in general, and I love vegans, you go vegans. Everything you do from the heart is fine, and by that I mean from that inner deep voice that tells you this is the right thing for me. 

But you should not feel guilty for existing and enjoying life. 

Well, I know some of you might say that says a lot about me. But I feel like there’s something more, something happening in the Zeitgeist, something that screams subconscious programming. I bet there are a lot of people that have a similiar mentality of not being good enough until you do something for the world, for the planet, something that justifies your existence. I really feel that we do have responsibility for the planet we inhabit and we should live up to that, and step into that role of the caretakers. And don’t get me wrong, I know there are a lot of small things everyone can do in their daily lives, without throwing everything away. It’s starts with the simple things, like putting your rubbish into the proper recycling bin or being conscious about what you eat, what you buy and where you buy it.

I know it’s possible to consume in a conscious way without feeling guilty for every step you take, or everything you buy. 

But those are all luxury problems, or first world problems in my opinion. Or stuff we can solve by just walking through life in a conscious way. People that live in a stable environment can allow themselves to ask those questions and take the necessary steps. But that is another Blogpost my loves. 

Let’s get back to the point where I started my first vegan trial. Okay, I have to admit I did not give it enough time I guess, beside the fact that I was a student and I could not afford to buy fancy schmancy food, and I also did not have the right mindset that it takes to really go fully vegan with all the supplementing and knowing what your body really needs. I just did not have the nerve, the time or the money to dive deeper into this. So I did what I could do at that point. I bought vegan sausage, cheese and cooked without meat or dairy products for a month. At the end I felt drained, it was like it sucked the joy out of me.

 

Just the pressure of thinking I have to do this for the world, than I will be worthy to exist.

 

This off and on veganism period got a life on its own and it got momentum that I carried with me for over three years, until one day.. 

 

By the time the vortex of veganism and changing the world had gained so much momentum that people were ether vegan and hated and judged everything and everyone they met, that consumed meat, that included me at that point in time. I also lived with a person that had eating disorder issues in the family. So I felt a lot of pressure. 

 

I always loved food, my friends, food is my thing I’m a taurus, we just love to eat. I cooked with joy in my heart everyday, getting up in the morning dreaming about what I might have for breakfast.

 

Mirror, mirror on the wall…

 

Only at the time I lived with this particular person I realized what I had done in my own family, they way I treated and judged people for consuming what they consumed, or judging them for the life paths they chose. So i basically received the same energy and judgement I put out into the world, it was traumatic in a way, but also very eye opening, because when the universe holds the mirror in front of your face and your ego tries to deny it as best as it can but deep down you know that you will have to look at yourself and that every person plays a role in your life for a reason.

 

So, thank you, person I lived with, for showing me what I needed to see and understand at that time but in reality it really took me 3 years to see the full picture. You know, there’s always more and the picture I look at now might only be the beginning of a new puzzle that emerges within the next month or years. I wonder what the whole might look like, I bet it’s something like a hologram. 

 

But yes, there was a time I hated her for destroying eggs and a few other dishes for me, I hated her judging me for eating and enjoying the things I ate. Even if I know that no one can destroy anything for me, or make me feel things, that’s all my thing, that’s all happening in me, but yes I’m still human.

 

Maybe that’s also a little warning for all the people who live or deal with people with very strong opinions on food and what, or what not to eat. And yes I know now, that her judgement mirrored my judgement. 

 

Please just listen to your body. Listen to yourself. People can have all kinds of opinions in the end all that matters is that you enjoy your food, no matter what anyone thinks.

 

Everybody, I mean EVERY BODY is different and every body needs different things, in terms of foods, and everything else. That’s just the way it is and who are we to judge what other people consume.

 

At this point I have to catch up on a recent Blogpost because ‚a place called home‘ is just an excerpt of this post. At the end everything is connected to everything. 

So let’s get back to the moment I almost lost the connection to my body. Let’s dive a little bit deeper into what happened then, and how everything is entangled.

A year after my vegan I took the time and energy to really go deeper into the food topic, I startet listening to my body, I started supplementing as best as I could with the knoledge I had at that point in time. So I spent the last three years eating as clean as I could, fasting 3 times a years until I got to a point where I was going through a cleanse for a whole month.

 

If I would’ve done it the right way I would’ve been fine, I guess. But I was irresponsible, I did not care about anything anymore. I even thought that I could just stop consuming food.

 

So… that was me almost developing an eating disorder.

 

I meditated a lot this month, don’t get me wrong I meditate every day, but one can really overdo even that. And I end up overdoing things a lot of times, I don’t know why I guess it has something to do with addictions and addictive structures that go through my family lineage. Or maybe I just push my own boundaries to far. Maybe it’s both. But that is also a different Blogpost. 

 

So, lets get things straight, I ate once a day in that month, some days I did not eat. I meditated most of the time I spend time in nature and I ran everyday? Am I mad? Well, as I said I just didn’t care at all I thought I can do it all. 

 

At the beginning it felt great I was on a high energy cloud that carried me through the day, I felt light, my body was changing, meditations got deeper and deeper. I also travelled a lot through my inner universe, being the psychonaut that I am. (Book recommendation of the day – The Tibetan Book of the Dead ) 

 

I had some pretty intense, life changing and deeply moving experiences and realizations about the meaning of life and a lot of others topics that were important for me at this point in time. But I didn’t take the time to integrate, because I wanted everything all at once. Don’t get me wrong at the end I’m very glad that I did it. Even if it got to the point where I was scared that I might not find my way back. But now I know how important integrating really is, because if you don’t integrate and root yourself back into material reality, you may end up hurting yourself even more. 

 

So imagine me traveling, meditating, running and spending time in nature every day. Denying my body food. Denying basically everything that my body needed for a month just so that I could fly as high as possible at that point in time.

 

Dangerous.. puh.. still get the shivers when I think of it.

 

At some point my body was screaming, but I still ignored it, even the aches in my chest, that got more and more intense. And maybe something in me was ready to leave this place. 

 

I have a pretty strong inner alarm system and I also have to say that my spirit guides, ancestors, angels whatever you want to call them are the best, I love them. They saved my ass so many times, I can’t thank them enough.

 

So, within the last few weeks of this month a voice inside of me got louder and louder and it said, you have to eat, you have to eat something, eat something. EAT !

I was still not listening, doing my art, doing my writing, exploring space and time.

 

I don’t know if you believe in life after death, but I do. And not just because of what happened to me, but just because I knew pretty early in my life that I’ve been on this planet a lot of times in different forms. I just knew. With that said, I believe that everything is happening for a reason, even if our logical minds can’t make sense of it. 

 

So on one particular day, I got the weirdest feeling in my stomach, not just because I was starving but, this was really the, I call it the ‘trauma altert’ feeling. Where something in me knows that something really traumatizing is about to happen. You know when you’re anxious and you can’t really sit still. That feeling in your gut. So I was trying to distract myself by browsing through youtube. Clicking on a documentary where they exposed the abuse that’s going on a Model Casting Tv Show with that blonde cyborg woman that’s dead inside, whose name I won’t put in here, but we all know who it is, quick side note, hell yes finally. 

But then I noticed something another video another documentary, I already heard of it, but I couldn’t bring myself to watch it until this day. Because even reading the name of it made me angry. Because It had so much judgement in it. But I clicked on it, on that day, with this weird trauma alert feeling and I watched the whole thing with tears streaming down my face.

The documentary was about a young man that thought that he could live without food and water, the he could just live from breathing light. 

 

I don’t know if you know, but those of you who are familiar with the akashic records probably know, or will discover that at some point in our evolution we might get to a point where our bodies are just more luminous than material, but I see this point in time in like let’s say a few thousand human earth years. 

 

So maybe he felt that there was some truth in it, at least all the information is stored in the collective consciousness, or the morphogenetic field, but thats also another Blogpost. This is just me trying to make sense of things, a very human thing to do. And I’m not taking sides here, you just have to do your homework and look at the whole picture from different angles if its possible. They say a lot of yogis and other spiritual masters did it and are still doing it, but that doesn’t mean that everyone should do or try it. 

 

And here I am again asking myself, why do we do the things we do? 

 

Because what I got from this documentary, besides the fact that it put esoteric practices in a very bad light, it was almost like materialists were like yeah finally we can use this traumatic story to traumatize people that much that they are so scared they want look into everything that has to do with spirituality anymore, but this is also another Blogpost. I asked myself what was his reason?

 

Why did he get so far that he ignored every single sign of his body. To a point where he really died of starvation.

 

Imagine that you can do anything in this world, and you decide to live somewhere in the woods, to starve yourself to death. Quick side note, it is said that Jesus went on a cleanse in nature for a longer period of time after his Baptism. 

 

And while everyone in this documentary was hating on esoteric people and spirituality, I asked myself, what part of him was so confused, so lost, that he thought there is no place in this world for him. And what part of himself made him think that he has to do this. Was it his ego wanting to make a point to his very discouraging parents? Was his ego wanting to prove it to himself that he could do it? That he could live without food or water? Is he mirroring that part in me ? 

 

I feel we live in very strange times. Almost everyone wants to make this world a better place. Which is great and I bet it’s the best they can do. I say that with respect. 

 

But what If we just take a moment, to accept this world the way it is now. Let’s just accept who we are at this point in time, as individuals and as a collective. 

 

You can get angry with me. Or whatever I don’t care anymore.

 

Enough with the fighting, fighting this, fighting that.. don’t you see there’s a root cause for everything and you don’t have to fight against things when you discover that root cause.

 

Because I feel what really drove this young mean into death, or what made him go on this suicide mission was really something inside of him. I’m not a psychologist or anything this is just me feeling deeply into all levels, coming out with my personal resume, which is like everything just photograph of my constantly changing multidimensional being at one point in space and time. But I think that this was part of it. And also the fact that he did not want to take his place in the world. In the documentary they said that he wanted to become a shaman, but if he wanted to do this he would’ve gone to the shamans like he did two times before. This time he just went into woods by himself.

 

So there is this young man that seemed to be very sensitive on many levels, not being accepted for what he believed in or his vision for the world from his family. Not feeling at home in this western world, that really is all about swimming at the surface of things. You don’t get to understand your roots, no one is teaching you anything about souls or something else. Of course he felt lost. 

Sounds familiar right? 

 

I felt it, the journey he took, and what got him there, because I was pretty much on my way to the same ending. That’s why its so important to get to the root of things instead of trying to fight against everything in the outside, or constantly trying to change the world. 

Let’s just start with ourselves.

 

So this sign, me watching the documentary at that point in time was like the clearest alarm bell sign ringing and I knew I had to redirect the path and integrate all the information, I knew I had to ground myself back into this body and I also knew deep down I have to take my place in this world. 

To this day I imagine what he could’ve done, if he alchemized the root cause of what drove him into depression and used this in a way to benefit himself and the world. But I still do believe that everything happens for a reason. 

 

Flying is great, exploring is great, connecting to the deeper parts of your being is great. But in the end we have to understand, that we came here for a reason. We came into these bodies to experience world. To walk in it, to create in it, to enjoy the food, to feel the emotions and everything this garden of eden has to offer.

 

For the first time I saw the fine line I was balancing on.

 

That really shook me to my core. And it was the best thing that could happen to me at this point in time. Because it showed me a deeper truth about myself.

 

I was hiding, hiding from this world, hiding from myself. Not letting myself experience all the glory. Thinking I have to prove anything to myself or anyone else to finally be accepted, or enough. To finally feel worthy to be here.

 

Gosh.. I hope all of you get this before it gets to this point, because it was one of the scariest phases that I ever went through in my life. When I write about it, when I think about it I still get she shivers, I can feel my heart pumping faster, because my body knew, something in me knew, that I could not do this for much longer.

 

So I had to make a decision and at that point it was so clear that it almost screamed at me.

 

I CHOOSE LIFE.

 

I want to live

 

I want to make the most out of this experience.

 

I’m enough

 

I deserve to be here

 

I deserve to enjoy food

 

I deserve to enjoy life

 

That’s what I started to say outloud every day from this day on. I choose life every day. I choose life everyday.

 

So this was one of the biggest wake up calls in my life, and thank the goddess I got it.

 

And by that time we did not even talk about the way I betrayed my body. Because that’s what I’m working on now. Ignoring my bodies needs for so long I realized that I had betrayed a part of what is me in this 3D reality to a point where it could’ve died, my heart could’ve stopped. But it didn’t. My body never let me down, even if I ignored all its needs. My heart kept on beating, pumping the life force energy through my body. My body kept on going even if it was running on the bare minimum of what I let it consume.

 

Body, I’m so sorry.

 

I wrote a letter to my body, where I apologized for everything it had to go through. The Letter I hang on my wall, where I work everyday. So I see it every day.

 

Body, please take all the time you need to regain your trust in me. In this sacred bond we have in this threedimensional reality.

 

This was also the point where I decided to let myself experience the juice in life. Everything I eat, I eat with all the joy in my heart.

 

And sometimes I even have cake for breakfast

  

I go to my favorite bakery, where they have that cosy work space with pillows so you can read and work there and I enjoy every bite of that delicious cheesecake, that is almost as good as the one my grandma made.

 

And sometimes I eat stuff that people might say is not good for you, but I also enjoy that.

 

And in that moment when I sit there and enjoy this piece of cake in the morning, you bet it’s the best piece of cake in the world.

 

So this was the end of my 3 year journey that started with a documentary, exploring food, my body and my inner universes. Go hard or go home they say, right? 

 

I say go deep or stay asleep. 😀 haha

I send much love to all of you 

and kiss your hearts 

-jn