a million ways to go

Is there a right or wrong way?

Is there a right or wrong choice?

I’m sure we all asked ourselves that question at least once in our life’s.

I’ve asked myself that question way too many times…

Making decisions is not my favorite thing to do.

I know it could be so easy, you just have to decide. But I’m always thinking about everything that comes with the decision, and the thing that’s most annoying for me is that it’s not always about big decisions. It starts with what I’m going to eat, or buy, or which path I’ll choose on the way home.

It’s gotten better because I trained myself to trust and I do play with it sometimes and just go wherever I feel like going. I do learn to surrender more and more every day, but sometimes old patterns and habits still kick in.

And then I feel like I’m a child again standing in front a a million options, and I feel frozen.

Sometimes when I go shopping it takes me 20 minutes to make a choice whether it’s about which cheese to buy or what to cook for dinner.

All the scenarios possible are played out in my mind.

My inner screen.

Endless options which lead to endless possible scenarios.

And I’m still trying to find the “right choice”, the “right path”.. the way that is leading me to where I’m supposed to be so I can become who I’m supposed to be.

I know what many of you would say now…

The journey itself is the goal, we’re not supposed to get somewhere, we’re always perfect the way we are…but still I feel like I have to match something to get to a certain point to achieve the goals I want to achieve in life to live the dreams I came here to birth into existence…

And now I’m standing in front of a big decision..

Will I play small and do something that is not fulfilling me, or will I make the jump into the unknown and listen to my heart..

This is so ironic because I’m always preaching to souls that listen to my videos, or read my blogposts that we can trust and surrender…but when you’re in a position where you don’t know how to pay your rent in a month, things feel a little bit more tense…

When I reflect back on my lifes choices, the “big ones” I always choose the thing that scared me the most. I chose to move into another city and study Film, something I’m very passionate about…

I choose to create a youtube channel and share my deepest wounds and the wisdom that came from it..

I choose to create a Podcast to connect and talk to magnificent souls all over the world, that inspire souls all over the world.

I choose to quit the job that I’m doing right now, because I feel drained mentally and emotionally…I thought I could do it, but I learned really quick that when I’m not doing what brings me joy and lightens up my heart it feels like something in me is dying.

And sometimes that is necessary, sometimes death and rebirth processes help us on our souls evolution, but this feels different..

Because I feel less like myself ..

One might ask what the self even is..

I mean that I feel less joy in my life, less passion..

I used to wake up in the morning and sing to the birds, like in the Disney movies. I used to greet the world with joy and happiness in my heart.

I used to be thankful for waking up in the morning every morning..

And now..things changed since I started this job..

I thought I could do it.. I thought I could bring something to this space/place.. and there are things that changed.. and people changed but I changed too.. and not in a way I feel comfortable with…

I feel it in my body, it’s like my heart and my body are rebelling.. like they are saying “please don’t go there anymore”.

I’m sitting here writing this on a Sunday morning with my vocal chords swollen and it hurts to breath…

So now I feel it’s time to press the emergency break..

It’s time to listen to my heart and do something that brings me joy again..

Why did I choose this path in the first place, one might ask.

I don’t know..it felt like the right thing to do and I needed the money.. to be honest I also wanted to prove to myself that I can be in this world and deal with people and situations..

I don’t know where the next step is going to lead me..but what I know for sure is that being in the unknown feels better than knowing that I’m going to go back to work..

So I guess I’m just gonna go with it..

If you happen to find yourself in a similar situation, I encourage you to listen to your heart and do what feels good..

Thank you for taking the time to read through this

I kiss your heart beautiful being,

-jn