My new Curtains

Within the last few years I moved a lot. Or I should rather say that I have been moved around a lot.

After finishing my studies in University I felt that strong calling to go home. I felt like I needed to be at home, like in the place I grew up in. So immediately after I graduated I moved back home.

A few month later I found out where this strong urge or calling came from, because within a few month of my return my beloved grandmother passed away. It happened very sudden..everything happened so fast. I have a very strong connection to my fathers mother, my grandmother, I feel the pain of her loss to this day.

I moved in with my grandfather. It was not a conscious decision, it was more like a decision that was made for me with my sister saying ‚Janine, you can stay with Grandpa, you have now where to be and nothing to do anyways‘, so I moved in with him.

My Grandparents have been married for 52 years, so the loss of my Grandmother left a big whole in my Grandpas life. Especially with her being like Matriarch of the Family, making all the Big decisions, taking care of everything, my Grandma was the weaver of love throughout the Family. Of course she had her life themes and stories to work through, but when my parents got divorced she was the only person that was always there for me. Of course both of my Grandparents were there, but the bond I had to my Grandmother was different.

I was her favourite. She was good to me. She always cared for me in her own way. More than my parents did.

She did all the amazing things that Grandmas do, like giving the best hugs in the world, always having food ready when you’re coming. She always knew how I really felt.

She was never selfish, she was always giving.

Maybe she gave too much.

But I’m grateful for her.

I’m so grateful that she is my Grandmother.

I’m proud of being her Grandchild. She was a powerful woman and to this day I feel her very present like a protective Angel and Guardian.

Moving in with my Grandpa was not the best Idea in the world. I had to find that out very early. For some reason I never really felt safe with him and it felt super weird to sleep in my Grandmas Room. I felt like I was just placed into this empty spot, but it was impossible to fill it, because I’m not my Grandma and I will never be her.

A part of me died that house within the time I spent there.

I felt it slowly dying.

I felt my dreams disappearing into nothingness.

I was really shown what my Grandmas life was like and everything that she gave up, to be what she was for the Family. I was also show glimpses into how my father grew up, with being there I understood family dynamics in a deeper way.

It was horrible.

It was a horrible time I went through.

The house is so beautiful, but there was this darkness that my grandma tried to wash away with her cleaning the whole every day, but it was something in the energetics I don’t really understand to this day.

So, when my Grandpa had one of his days he threw me out. It was heart breaking in that moment and I cried a year after that because I felt so unappreciated and simply rejected by my own grandpa.

Today I know that he did me a favour, because I don’t know how my soul could’ve gone through this turture.

After that I sleep on the Couches of different family members in different places, feeling super lost and disoriented.

There was really no room and no space for me in my old home town.

I felt like I was meant to be there so I could make my peace with the past. Not only with what happened within the time I grew up but also to gain a deeper understanding of how my father grew up and for the family lineage of my fathers side. Which makes sense, because people always say that I’m like the female version of him, you these sayings when people say you really come after your father, which I never liked, because as much as I want to love, forgive and honor him for the role he played in this cosmic play a part of me still can’t do it.

A part of me is still so angry that it just wants to scream at him and punch him in the face.

But that is another Story.

Back to me feeling and beeing a little lost. Not knowing where to go or what to do with my life after everything that happened.

After half a year of crying and griefing my Grandma and the rejection of my Grandpa I choose that it was time for me to leave my home town and the place I grew up.

I was feeling into which city was calling me and I felt Hamburg immediately coming into my awareness.

Luckily a Friend of mine was just moving into a bigger appartment and she asked me to move in with her so I did that. But I came with all my Baggadge and all the unhealed trauma and wounds.

So there was this big mountain of stuff I still had to work through and of course she also had her themes and stuff to work through, so we triggered the hell out of each other and I moved out after a horrible and challenging year.

I’m very grateful that I got to live with her even if it turned into this very sad unromantic chaos. It showed me everything, all the wounds and all the spaces and places.

So, when I moved into my first Appartment. I felt so relieved, but I was still so broken.

I was so broken.

and I felt so broken.

Within the first few month of living alone I noticed for the first time in my life how I really feel. Like without anyone being there. Within the time at university I lived in an appartment with 4 people, which was awesome in that time, and before that I lived with my Sister and Mother, so there were always people there. But this time there was just me. No energetic entanglement, no drama, just me with myself.

A period of deep healing and releasing began.

I really took the time to reflect on my life and on everything that happened, like even stories I had no time or headspace to work through from my childhood and teenage years, everything started to slowly emerge from the depth of my soul within this deep healing period.

I felt deep healing within my being happening, but something in me was still scared.

So I never really made myself at home in the place I live in.

After this period of being pushed pulled in all directions I was like I’m just gonna wait and see how things are going and if I’m really staying here I will start to make myself at home and start to design my appartment in a way that feels like me.

It took me 4 years.

I made the decision to make myself a home here a few days ago to be honest.

4 years until I really allowed myself to arrive in this place and space, like with all of me.

Because it is one thing to be somewhere physically and live there, but it is another thing to be there and inhabit the space with your whole being. Like there is a difference between being half embodied and someone embodying their being fully.

So I started to really throw out everything that didn’t feel like me anymore. From clothing, to stuff I took with me from my grandmas and everthing that was just taking up the space with really no usw. I sorted out everything, my Kitchen, my basement, my closet, even all my folders with paperwork from over 10 years.

I get very radical If could have I would’ve thrown my whole clothes aways, but than there would be nothing to wear anymore. But when I really feel into there are just a few clothes left that really feel like me.

But I don’t really know what is me anymore.

I feel like there is a new version of me emerging from this deep reset phase but she is still forming and I hope that when we are fully here I know what feels like me, like us. I hope that makes sense.

And I hope that when I reach this point I can like shop everything that I would love to shop and buy myself.

Because I didn’t really went shopping within the last 6 years.

Up to the middle of 2023 I didn’t even know if I wanted to stay in this human experience to be honest with you.

I made the decision to stay here in this human experience in the late summer of 2023 and I thought to myself if I’m staying here and I’m really doing this thing that is called being human I’m gonna do it with all of me.

And after that decision everything changed and shifted.

Like my whole being was signaling to the universe that I was ready to do this with all of me.

A lot of magical things happened after that.

Like I went through a very deep healing process.

I met powerful people that inspire me on the deepest level.

and I’m so grateful for everything that happened before and after that decision.

In the beginning of April a moth before my birthday I was like maybe I’ll even buy myself curtains for my birthday. I felt like it was time for me to have curtains. So I was looking online and I found wonderful white curtains that looked perfect. For some reason the Universe told me to wait and to not buy them so I didn’t, but I still wanted to have curtains.

I was wondering how it might feel to have curtains.

In May I forgot about the curtains.

Until one day I came home from a walk and there was a Bag in the entrance Hall of our House, there are more parties living here, but it’s not that big. And I looked inside the Bag and there were these beautiful white curtains from my sweet Neighbours. And I was like omg, this is awesome I won the Jackpot!

I love these happenings beautiful Souls. I also love to look in inside these Book Boxes or places in public it feels like a treasure hunt. But I stopped collecting these Books, because I don’t have a Bookshelf yet and it feels very strange to put them on the floor, I love them too much.

So, back to the curtains. I really love them. I put them in the washing maschine, not because they were dirty but they were washed with these intense washing gels. I really don’t like that and my body starts to itch simply by smelling these intense washing gels I don’t know how people can wear close that smells so intense, their own individual smells gets lost in this synthetic perfume. I get rashes from that.

Anyways so I put them in the washing maschine and a few days later it was the time to hang them.

I was so excited it felt like I just moved in.

I hung them.

After that I decided to make myself a tea and when I came back into the room I noticed a shift in the energy. Like a subtle shift, but a shift. Curtains really make a difference, especially when you have big windows like I do. I love my windows a lot of light comes in here. But it feels more cocoonish now.

I looked at my new curtains and I had to sit down and I started crying.

Felt like it came out of nowhere but I just let the tears flow.

I feel so grateful for these curtains. I’m so happy every time I look at them.

I guess I cried because I really start to feel at home here.

And I also felt my grandmother, because I know that If she would’ve visited me she would’ve said in her shocking voice almost screaming at me, „Janine, how can you not have curtains!?“ and then she would’ve blamed it on my mother and then she would’ve taken me out to buy me new curtains.