Pushing through 

Reflections on pushing to hard

This was taken on one of our Family Trips to the so called „Felsenmeer“ or Ocean of Rocks, which consists of a lot of huge rocks that seemed to all places throughout the high of a big mountain. 

My Sister and me, we love adventures. We were never the girls who played with dolls inside, we were always outside running through the fields, going on pilgrimages for the whole day by ourselves spending the whole day in nature. 

During our teenage years priorities changed for each one of us individually. And went on less adventures…until we went on none. 

So, when my Mothers Partner suggested that we go and climb huge rocks up a mountain for a whole day, I was all on board and my sister was too. 

My father raised us very competitive..because he is very competitive, because he raised that way by his father. 

It was always about, who is the fastest, who is the strongest, who completes the task in the „right“ way…

There is a thrill in competition I like still to this day…

This feeling of adrenaline pumping through the system..

How far can I push myself? 

How much can I carry? 

there is a part of me that still enjoys it and another part of the that is just exhausted when it even hears the word „competition“

Today I realized that I am done pushing myself. 

I deserve Rest. 

I deserve to process my feelings and work through themes and emotions in my way. 

I deserve me time. 

I pushed myself a lot in the past, it’s kind of like part of my inheritance..because my grandma did the same..until she couldn’t anymore, because she passed way to early! 

I miss her so much..

I miss my Grandma so much. 

And sometimes I wish she was still here, but I feel her presence so often even if her body is not within this space and time anymore. 

I pushed myself enough..

I am done pushing..

But at the same time I am asking myself, when is it okay to push through things? And when is it to much? 

Like when I studied at university I pushed through and I graduated and received my bachelor degree… 

Was it worth it? Definetly. 

The experience was worth it. 

But when is it to much? 

There is this theme within my family around teeth, because my Sister, my Father, my Grandma and me we all bite our teeth in the night. 

It is so intense that my sister once bit of a part of here tooth, okay the tooth was missing minerals, but still this is a thing. 😀

I bite my teeth so hard that I broke my biting splint. 😀

My Dentist was shocked, but he also didn’t know what to do, or what to say, so he told me to not use it anymore and send me home. 

I watched a lot of Dentist Videos about this biting theme and a few days ago finally one female dentist said it, „ the biting splint is not the solution, you have to do the work or the excercises.“, which I do every day, but it didn’t seem to be enough…

It’s not just about the biting splint and or the excercises…this goes much deeper than that…

I stumbled upon another video which said „biting your teeth, biting yourself through until you burn out“ …

And I was like wow…this is how I feel right now… 

I mean I do all the things, all the excercises all the meditation and breath work for like over 8 years..and I still bite my teeth in the night..

So, now I’m asking myself if I should change my lifestyle even more? Or should I go to the root cause within my family lineage? Or should I do both? 

I think I have to do it, to feel into if it makes a difference. 

I sure will keep you posted on that. 

And I thought often about my father and this competetiveness and me pushing myself to a point of exhaustion…just because of the fear of disappointing someone and because I thought I had to…

…because I thought that I have to carry the bags no one else is going to do it, right? So i have to…and I was so used to carying the bags and the jackets..

…I was so used to doing the things that needed to be done…I felt responsible..like my Grandma did..

Some people never feel responsible for things, even if they are responsible for their lives and all kinds of things and behaviors. 

People always say how my Grandma was such a loving and wonderful woman, and how she was a good person/soul..

But would they’ve still said it if my grandma said „fuck of and do it yourself?“ I’m not responsible. 

I don’t know…

And I’ll probably never find out…

I can only explore this for myself…

And I lost a lot of so called „friends“, when I started to say no to people, or I didn’t offer to carry what needed to be carried.. 

It was a liberating and eye opening process. 

Today I chose Rest. 

Today I chose not to push myself anymore. 

Today I’m just feeling, crying and sitting in front of my Laptop writing Reflections and Blogposts and it feels good. 

I would love to hear your thoughts on…

when are we pushing to hard? 

And when are we refusing to push beyond our comfort zone? 

Feel free to share in the comments. 

With love, 

Janine