Do you ever wake up in the morning with music playing in your mind?
I do, sometimes. I used to every morning.
Especially when I made music the night before.
Sometimes it’s just melodies, sometimes they’re classical, sometimes It’s something like Jazz or Samba, but they are always evolving into something different, they never stay the same.
Kind of like the universe is always evolving and expanding in all kinds of ways.
This Morning I woke up with a Black eyed Peas song playing in my being.
I’m sure most of you will know it “Where is the love?”
When It kept playing in my mind I got sad because it reminded me of the state our world is in now and some situations I encountered within the last few month that really hurt my heart.. and most of you know that I wear my heart outside of me. I guess that’s what comes with it.
While watching the music video I asked myself, did something change since they recorded it? Did the world change? Or is it still the same?
How do you feel about that question?
Don’t get me wrong I cry pretty easy, but I’m also strong, I’ve heard things in my life that could’ve crushed me into pieces but I choose not to take it the way it was intended..and something did crush me, but I always put myself back together.
I still chose to see the person through the eyes of love..even if they we’re standing in front of me raging and screaming..
But still I have feelings..and some things trigger me and hurt me on a deeper level..it might help to heal past wounds that were very deep, but sometimes it takes time for me to recover. Sometimes it takes time for my heart to heal..
Because I felt it physically hurting…like I had been attacked and that’s exactly how it felt. Even if it wasn’t the intention of the person or it wasn’t conscious.. it hurt. I know it makes me stronger, but I felt it on a deeper level, so deep that I got sick afterwards.
I wonder how much can a heart take on before it breaks?
And when it breaks, can you still love the way you loved before?
Or is it a new kind of love?
Is it gonna be as deep as it was before?
Is it gonna be deeper?
I had my heart broken one time when I choose to love with all of me, it was a very conscious decision I made and I felt it in every cell of my body. I remember knowing deep down that even this is going to have an end. And I knew that it would break my heart into pieces..and I knew that it would take me a long time to recover from it, but still I choose to love.
I never regretted any second of it and I never will.
I still have love in my heart for that soul.
I always will.
But I was never the same…and I never loved again, at least not in a romantic way.
I didn’t even realize that I closed my heart just for that romantic way of experiencing. Not long ago my sister mentioned that I’ve never been the same after that relationship, she spoke to me pretty clearly, words that I needed to hear.
She said “Janine you closed your heart for that kind of love, since the relationship you have changed” I cried tears from deep down of my being. We talked a lot about that relationship before, but it never got so clear that it hurt me so much that I wasn’t even thinking about dating ever again.
One reason for that was the realization that I have a lot of love to give. And when I fell in love I was like “okay I chose to love you now, so you have to take in all the love that I can give in the way that I want you to take it”..but is that love?
I don’t know. I was and still am questioning a lot..
So from that point on I was like why do I try to push so much love into one person, that doesn’t even love herself? But did I love myself?
By that time the answere was no, but I learned to love myself after the relationship. I’m still getting to know me whatever or whoever I am better each an ever day.
While I was filling my cup over the years I asked myself if one person can ever receive all the love that I have to give? Is that even possible?
At one point I realized that I don’t have to only love one person in a romantic way. I can just love people, without even having any other intention but to love.
Without wanting anything in return. Without having any expectation.
If the heart is the key to experience this life on a deeper more fulfilled and joyful level, what is gonna happen when it’s broken?
I used to walk through life with a smile on my face. I still do, but it the experiences of the last month dimmed it a little bit.
I’m recovering, I’m going through a transformation..
And maybe the attacks I encountered and the pain they caused helped me to even get to this point where I have to make these decisions, where I have to figure out out how I’m moving forward and where do I even want to go?
When I feel into the question if it’s even possible to dim someones light..I feel it isn’t ..
Only if you let it get to you..
We are always here with all of us sometimes we might have forgotten but still we’re here.
I believe that the world lights up when somebody laughes from deep down. The laugh that vibrates through every dimension and the waves get carried throughout space and time.
But what if that laugh is the laugh of someone that killed, or did something “really bad” is it still worth the same?
Does the universe measure the importance of a feeling by what we did in our lives?
Or is a deep felt belly laugh just as glorious as it is no matter what we did or are still doing in our lifes?
Why am I even asking these questions?
I know that I’m stronger, and I know I come back stronger from this. I know that deep down. 2 years ago when my grandma died I wasn’t sure if I could ever feel the love and the joy again, but I did and I do.. and I know that this experience showed me a lot, even if I don’t understand it all with my logical mind, but I can feel it.
So..
Where is the love beautiful souls?
You are the love in the world!
You have been and you always will be, no matter how you’re feeling no matter what you’re doing.
You are love.
And no one can dim your light.
No one can stop you from shining, because you shine just by being you. Whatever you chose to be at this point in time.
Please remember that.
I love you beautiful Soul.
-jn
Lyrics Where is the love – Black eyes peas
What’s wrong with the world, Mama?
People livin‘ like they ain’t got no mamas
I think the whole world’s addicted to the drama
Only attracted to things that’ll bring you trauma
Overseas, yeah, we tryna stop terrorism
But we still got terrorists here livin‘
In the USA, the big CIA
The Bloods and the Crips and the KKK
But if you only have love for your own race
Then you only leave space to discriminate
And to discriminate only generates hate
And when you hate, then you’re bound to get irate, yeah
Madness is what you demonstrate
And that’s exactly how anger works and operates
Man, you gotta have love just to set it straight
Take control of your mind and meditate
Let your soul gravitate to the love, y’all, y’all
People killin‘, people dyin‘
Children hurtin‘, hear them cryin‘
Can you practice what you preach?
And would you turn the other cheek?
Father, father, father, help us
Send some guidance from above
‚Cause people got me, got me questioning
Where is the love?
(Love) Where is the love? (The love)
Where is the love? (The love)
Where is the love, the love, the love?
It just ain’t the same, old ways have changed
New days are strange, is the world insane?
If love and peace is so strong
Why are there pieces of love that don’t belong?
Nations droppin‘ bombs
Chemical gases filling lungs of little ones
With ongoing sufferin‘ as the youth die young
So ask yourself, is the lovin‘ really gone?
So I can ask myself, really, what is going wrong
With this world that we livin‘ in? People keep on givin‘ in
Makin‘ wrong decisions, only visions of them dividends
Not respectin‘ each other, deny thy brother
A war is goin‘ on, but the reason’s undercover
The truth is kept secret, and swept under the rug
If you never know truth, then you never know love
Where’s the love, y’all? Come on (I don’t know)
And where’s the truth, y’all? Come on (I don’t know)
And where’s the love y’all?
People killin‘, people dyin‘
Children hurtin‘, hear them cryin‘
Can you practice what you preach?
And would you turn the other cheek?
Father, father, father, help us
Send some guidance from above
‚Cause people got me, got me questioning
Where is the love?
(Love) Where is the love? (The love)
Where is the love? (The love)
Where is the love? (The love)
Where is the love?
(Love) Where is the love? (The love)
Where is the love? (The love)
Where is the love, the love, the love?
I feel the weight of the world on my shoulder
As I’m gettin‘ older, y’all people gets colder
Most of us only care about money-makin‘
Selfishness got us followin‘ the wrong direction
Wrong information always shown by the media
Negative images is the main criteria
Infecting the young minds faster than bacteria
Kids wanna act like what they see in the cinema
Yo, whatever happened to the values of humanity? (Yeah)
Whatever happened to the fairness and equality? (Yeah)
Instead of spreading love, we spreading animosity (Yeah)
Lack of understanding leading us away from unity
That’s the reason why sometimes I’m feelin‘ under
That’s the reason why sometimes I’m feelin‘ down
It’s no wonder why sometimes I’m feelin‘ under
Gotta keep my faith alive ‚til love is found
Now ask yourself
Where is the love?
Where is the love?
Where is the love?
Where is the love?
Father, father, father, help us
Send some guidance from above
‚Cause people got me, got me questioning
Where is the love?
Now sing with me, y’all (One world, one world)
We only got (One world, one world)
That’s all we got (One world, one world)
And something’s wrong with it (Yeah)
Something’s wrong with it (Yeah)
Something’s wrong with the w-world, world, yeah
We only got (One world, one world)
That’s all we got (One world, one world)
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