Reflections on the need to be something
I’m currently participating in a program that is called reset. It is next level amazing lead by a very powerful woman that I love very much. Like the name already suggests that program is all about resetting who we are. Or should I say resetting who or what we think we are.
Every week she is taking us deeper into the unknown, where we can know no thing and be no thing. In some moments I still fear losing something, but what is there to lose when there is nothing that truly belongs to us. Like not even our body belongs to us.
Every single time I come out of these Sessions I feel more free.
I feel more like me.
At this point in time I can say that this is what I was always wishing for, because I noticed very early in my life that there are these structures, these patterns or programs I just didn’t know how to deal with them. Growing up in the family dynamics I grew up in I felt trapped most of the time. I wanted to break out so bad, like at some point I wrote in my Diary let me just disappear, this is all too much for me I can’t take this anymore. I took on so much responsibility like from when I was 9 years old I always felt I already had children and they are grown up now.
When I decided to go to university and study in another city which meant me moving out to another city. This was the first time I felt really free. But there was still this programm in the background of me trying to manage things at home even if there was never anything for me to manage in the first place. I just thought I had to.
So with the years going by I let go more and more and I let my family life their lives and be who they want to be, so I could be who I wanted to be and live my life free of the need to take care of my family in any way. But as you know there are these programs or these roles that even If when I knew I stepped out of them it doesn’t mean that my family releases me from these roles. Or that they suddenly expect me to behave differently. I know that they mirror what is there. So I noticed that a deeper reprogramming had to happen. But I just didn’t know what it was and how to get it done.
Beside my self transformation processes I had the priviledge to take part in a lot of powerful programs and ceremonies throughout the last few years that changed everything. This is one of the one that went so deep that I feel transformed on all levels.
Yesterday we reset potential future timelines. Something I could feel all of us being a little bit hesitant about. But Anna reminds us every time in such a beautiful way that our higher self is guiding us through everything and that everything is always exactly as it needs to be. We can trust in the guidance of our higher self and that it knows whats the best of the best.
Within the last year I put so much pressure on my self with all the books I’m writing and all the other art I create that almost nothing was fun anymore. Everything felt like something I had to do and we all know artist or not that when we feel obligated to do something there is less juice in it. And I do love juice. In fact I love all the juices. I’m where the juice is, always. Like the juicier the better.
Yesterday I put all my vision boards and wishlists down.
Today I woke up feeling so relieved.
I felt like I don’t have to be something anymore.
All the dreams and aspirations I had..all gone.
Throughout the day my mind kicked in and I was panicking..because I was like ‚OMG, WHO AM I WITHOUT MY DREAMS?‘
AND WHERE IS THE DRIVE TO CREATE COMING FROM?
I felt confused and then I was like why am I even stressing about this? What does it even matter?
After that inner conflict I went outside because the sun was shining all day and I felt like bathing a little bit. While I was on my way to the place I felt called to this inner conflict was still going on inside of me. As soon as I reached the grass I just layed down and I just let go. At first I thought oh I could do gridwork, but then I was like no I’m just going to lie down trusting that the rest will be done anyways. And then I let go of everything and I spread my arms out to the side and I just layed there. Not thinking about anything anymore. Not thinking about what I still had to do or thought I still had to do. I was just there.
When I reflect about it now I can’t even remember when I felt like that the last time. Because even when I really took some time to go off the „grid“ meaning like leaving the city vibes and be in nature there was still this urge to be doing something.
Today everything felt different.
It feels like all the burdens have been lifted. Everything that had been put onto my shoulders and everything that I put on there. Just gone. All the big dreams and expectations and the need to be or achieve something BIG. ALL GONE.
I went Skateboarding today. I haven’t done this in like over a year. Really taking the time to enjoy the feeling of floating through the air. I love the feeling on the board, I’m not a pro I started like 2 years ago but I just enjoy feeling the freedom and the wind in my hair and on my skin. It’s the best feeling. When it goes down the hill it almost feels like one could lift of the ground and start flying.
It’s truly crazy how many stages one can go through just in one day.
It was very interesting when I realized that early in the day there was this need ‚to be something‘
But is there really a need to be something? or is it all in our heads? What do you think? Let me know in the comments.
This need to be something.
Or to become something..where is coming from?
Can you become and be no thing at the same time?
I wonder if that’s what true freedom feels like..I always wondered how true freedom within this human experience must feel like? Do you?
Getting rid of all of these lists and all the things we think we are, or we think we have to be or to do, to have the right to be here.
Today I could take a deep breath.
I could stop to like push myself to create something. To finish things I had started, to start new things.
Because what’s the point?
I always wondered what freedom feels like.
I feel this is close to what freedom must feel like.
Getting rid of all of these roles and identities that we took on, that were pushed onto us.
So the need to be something..
Where does it come from?
Does it come from growing up a certain way?
Or does it come from the original impuls that created the universe in the first play?
The question what can I become?
And who am I even creating for??
Am I creating for myself?
Or am I creating to be seen?
Where is that drive to create coming from?
Thousands of questions I don’t have to have the answeres to 😀 because I let go.
and for some reason I really love that.
I don’t know if you noticed but I haven’t posted a Blogpost in a long time. You know why? Because the juice was missing and the clarity.
Now I’m bathing in new juices and there is a new kind of clarity that I’m really enjoying.
So, I guess that’s it for today.
Bliss.
with love,
Janine
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