Love Life Loops

Reflecting on my love life 

Coming out of a loop that circled it’s third round I finally realized that I have enough. 

I am complete. 

For some reason my last 3 crushes fell on women that were either a beautiful mess, totally closed off or simply in a relationship and still sending mixed signals. 

I honestly thought that I have worked through so many themes in my life, but this dating theme seems to still be a big thing. 

And even if I am really grateful that within that third looping cycle I finally ended it when it was time, without going through endless month of deep suffering and torture it’s still crazy that this happened three times in three years and they even had the same names! 

Anyways. 

I chose me this time. 

Like for real. 

I decided that I deserve more. 

I decided that I deserve to be surrounded by people that actually love to spend time with me in a heathy way. 

I have amazing friends that are simply amazing, but when it comes to my dating life I seem to still work through my Mommy and Daddy issues. 

But this time I feel I have arrived at a pivotal point in my life, finally demanding more on a romantic level. 

To be honest I am still not sure what I really want. 

If I want to be with a woman or a man. 

It’s easier for me to open up to women, because I grew up surrounded by women. I was raised by a single mother and her and my aunty took care of us most of the time. 

At some point I came to the conclusion that the absence of men in my life is a mirror of the absence of my father in my life. Or any other father figure. 

Today my father is a little bit more present and I have little bit more male friends but still I can absolutely not imagine how to build trust, how to build a life and family with a man? 

I know I don’t have to, but I wonder if I should give it a try? 

I would give it a try? 

But I am very scared of all the Daddy Issues that would come up during this time, so I kind of hold myself back a little bit. 

But everything is a process. 

And I am in the middle of these processes. 

I feel the fact that I am thinking and writing about it is also shifting things on a subconscious level and maybe one day I will be open to date again and maybe I’ll even date men.

At least it has been 10 years since the last time I dated a man. 

And it has been been 5 years since I officially dated a woman. 

That is a long time and a lot has shifted and changed.

But of course I had crushes. 

Crushes on emotionally unavailable and unaligned people. 

I am considering going back into the dating scene but at the same time I am like naaaw. I am just gonna leave it the way it is. 

I stopped dating 5 years ago for a reason and the reason was that I was very broken and very traumatized and it was mirrored in the relationship I had at that point in time. 

With this realization I moved out of the apartment I lived with the person and I decided to heal on all levels. 

I was done with surface level conversations and interactions of any kind. 

I want depth. 

I want intensity. 

I want passion. 

I want romance. 

I want flowers. 

I want poetry. 

I want good food. 

I want to be taken out on dates. 

I want long and deep conversations, where time seems to disappear. 

I want to be able to breath deeply. 

I want time to get to know someone on the deepest level. 

I am done with rushing into things. 

I am done with giving everything I got and not getting anything in return. 

I allow myself to receive. 

I allow myself to be nurtured and nourished. 

and I nurture and nourish myself on all levels. 

• jn 

23.03.26