Making peace with my past

I come from an abusive and violent home. 

I grew up with a lot of mental and emotional abuse. 

There was never physical violence or abuse involved in any way which I am only timing onto this page because I always think I have to make sure that people know that no one every physically hurt me, but still I felt deeply hurt on all levels of my being. 

By now I did a lot of healing on all levels of my being, up to a point where I thought that this healing is going to dissolve the pain and the wounds of the past completely. 

I was always wondering if it would ever be not noticeable where I come from and what I have experienced because I feel that one can feel when people have experienced deep pain and suffering. 

I was always asking myself If there would be a point where people would not know where I come from and see me for who I really am. 

For who I am today. 

Only today I have realized that to be worthy and successfull on all levels I don’t have to erase where I come from. 

It is the opposite. 

I am making my peace with my past and therefore making peace with all the versions of me throughout all space and all time. 

I am also realizing that this „hiding of“ or feeling shame for where I come from also influenced my friendships and romantic relationships on all levels, because in the past I always thought that I have to be more. 

More ordered, have nice close and all of these kinds of things. 

But I am where I am today. 

And I am proud of it. 

I might be 34 and for the first time in my life furnishing my apartment, because I am finally realizing that I deserve to have nice surroundings and to feel good and at home in my home. 

And I don’t have to play or be perfect for anyone, including myself. 

What a waist of time, is what I am thinking right now, reminding myself that all of that led me to where I am today so everything that I have lived through was important on all levels, for me to have this realization today. 

It’s kind of funny the turns we take. 

I am also realizing for the first time today that me thinking that I wasn’t enough for some people, also had to do with the judgement of other people in my past. 

People that judged me for how I grew up and for all the „bad“ things that happened. 

But I have to admit even for the chaos my Sister and I grew up in we always say that somehow we turned out „good“. 

Like we also had this inner moral compass. 

Of course we made mistakes and we put ourselves in danger many times. 

But we learned from it and we grew on all levels. 

And we chose to keep on growing and evolving and to heal on the deepest level. 

So from this day on I am not trying to erase my past anymore. 

And I am not hiding it from anyone. 

And If there is somebody that thinks less of me because of the way I grew up or how I live and what close I wear, they are definitely not my friends and definitely not my lovers. 

Today I chose to honor my past without living it again and again, but also without hiding it from anyone. 

I am human. 

I am growing. 

I am evolving. 

I am learning. 

I am making mistakes. 

I have a past. 

And it shaped me up to a certain point. 

But at another I decided to consciously shape my life into what I want it to be. 

And to become and evolve into the person that I am meant to be, at any given moment in time. 

Honoring the evolution of my human and human experience on all levels. 

And so it is. 

-jn 

23.03.26